"Client from Hell" – The Secret Journal of ILKA VAN DER BLAME, Esq.

Day 172 of Representing Captain Conflict

Dear Confidential Legal Journal,

I should’ve listened to my gut the first time he walked in—jeans, overconfident grin, and a carefully curated sob story about his unhinged ex. “She’s mentally unstable,” he said. “Terrorizing my life,” he said. I nodded politely, jotted it down, and poured another espresso. But I had no idea what I was signing up for.

Fast forward: I’ve now written more angry legal letters in 3 months than I have in my entire career. He thinks litigation is a sport. Every week, I get another frenzied voice note:

“Ilka! Emergency! We need to file a motion—my ex said hello to our daughter at school pickup!”

And like a fool, I keep trying to act like there’s a case. So I contact her lawyer. I write the letters. I threaten. I posture. And every single time, her lawyer calmly responds with actual evidence that makes me want to climb under my desk and never come out again.

That time I demanded answers about her “random attack”?
Her lawyer replied with:

“Here’s the police report. Strangulation. Blood evidence. My client was arrested and released. Charges are pending—against him.”

Cue my jaw hitting the parquet floor.

Then there was the gem where he claimed she was “keeping his daughter from him.”
Her lawyer responded with a WhatsApp screenshot compilation showing the opposite.

“Sorry, she can’t talk to you. Papa said no.”
“I forgot.”
“Not your day.”

The man is textually self-sabotaging.

When I confronted him, he gave me that wide-eyed innocent act again:

“Ilka, I swear I told you everything.”

Except he didn’t.
Like when he neglected to mention the four other children he emotionally abandoned.
Or that his ex was the primary caregiver for nearly four years before he launched Operation Reputational Destruction.
Or—just a little thing—that time he was charged with assault.

I told him flat-out:

“You’re making me look like an idiot in front of the court and opposing counsel. Either give me the full truth—or represent yourself.”

His reply?

“Ilka, you’re not listening to me. She is a manipulator. She’s lying.”

Classic narcissistic projection.
I didn’t go to law school to become a puppet in a man-child’s melodrama. But here I am, burning credibility like firewood while this lunatic spirals out of control.

I swear, next time I see her lawyer’s name pop up with another set of damning receipts, I might just forward it to my therapist.

Conclusion:
If I had a euro for every time I discovered my own client was lying to me—I could retire. Or at least pay someone else to finish this disaster.

Sincerely,
Ilka Van Der Blame, Esq.
Totally Regrets Her Life Choices
Currently Googling: “How to Remove Yourself from a Case Due to Client Buffoonery”