Leaked Recording Vol. 1: Captain Conflict and the Curse of the Unchecked Ego

(transcript courtesy of the universe’s deep desire for karmic justice)

So there I was… sipping my chamomile tea, minding my business (and my daughter’s actual wellbeing), when the leaked recording hit the inbox like a courtroom mic drop:

🧑‍⚖️ ILKA VAN DER BLAME (his lawyer, whose law degree may or may not have been printed in Comic Sans):
“Captain… she signed over the house. The $70,000 was transferred. It’s over.”

🧔‍♂️ CAPTAIN CONFLICT (swiveling in his chair, stroking an invisible cat):
“Not so fast. What if I get the money frozen?”

🧑‍⚖️ ILKA:
“You mean… after you already paid it… legally… "willingly"?”

🧔‍♂️ CAPTAIN CONFLICT:
“Yes. Freeze it retroactively. Like Elsa. Then I’ll say she kidnapped our daughter.... again”

🧑‍⚖️ ILKA (blinking in Morse code for ‘help me’):
“But if she has no money left and has to move, you’ll look like the unstable one.”

🧔‍♂️ CAPTAIN CONFLICT:
“I am the unstable one. And I’m owning it. This is war.”

🧑‍⚖️ ILKA:
“Do you want custody or just revenge?”

🧔‍♂️ CAPTAIN CONFLICT:
“Same thing.”

🧑‍⚖️ ILKA:
“So… what exactly is the goal here?”

🧔‍♂️ CAPTAIN CONFLICT:
“The goal? To make her penniless. Homeless, if possible.”

🧑‍⚖️ ILKA:
“...Right. But what about your daughter?”

🧔‍♂️ CAPTAIN CONFLICT:
“Oh, she’ll adapt. Kids love a good character-building crisis. Besides, if I push her out of the city, I can spin it as parental relocation without consent and sue her for moving. Genius, right?”

🧑‍⚖️ ILKA:
“Sir… that will almost certainly backfire.”

🧔‍♂️ CAPTAIN CONFLICT (snapping fingers):
"Doesn't matter. Logic and legal outcomes are for peasants. I'm running this show based on spite and vibes."

Yep. Same guy who:

• Filed an address fraud report when I said I was scared to sleep in the home where he once strangled me.

• Told our daughter she couldn’t call me, then cried to anyone who’d listen that she was "emotionally off."

• Tried to freeze my bank account after paying the settlement—because nothing says ‘father of the year’ like attempting to bankrupt your child’s mother.

• Gave me 90 minutes to collect my personal belongings from the house like I was on a sad reality show called “Divorce Escape Room.”

• Ripped up our daughter’s artwork of “Mommy and Me” like a toddler denied a cookie.

• Acts like Child Welfare is involved—spoiler alert: there’s no case, no safety plan, no one but Captain Conflict and his trusty sidekick: Paranoia.

• Hasn’t taken any of his five kids to therapy, but would 100% take me to Judge Judy if it meant blocking a dentist appointment I scheduled.

And meanwhile? I’m still parenting.
Still showing up.
Still being the one who explains feelings, doctor visits, body boundaries, and bedtime snuggles.

Because here’s the thing:

While he’s busy spinning legal fan fiction for an audience of one,
I’m building truth-based stability for the only person that matters: our daughter.

And guess what?
I didn’t even show up to the home signing.
I gave someone Power of Attorney and handled it like the calm adult I’ve had to become.
The $$ hit my bank account. Legally.
He probably tried to file five emergency motions before lunch. None of them worked.
Now, the only way to claw it back is a full court case.
And we can stretch that out longer than his last actual parenting effort.

Coming soon:
Captain Conflict: Season 3 – The Man, The Myth, The Misunderstood Spreadsheet.

Featuring:

• Guest appearances by "Ilka van der Blame: The Lawyer Who Regrets Everything"

• A dramatic reading of “My Ex Has Money and I Hate It”

• And a finale where he tries to sue karma. Again.