A Week in the Life of Trying to Co-Parent June
TEXT THREAD: A Week in the Life of Co-Parenting with Captain Conflict
Tuesday, 7:59 AM
Anna: Am I picking up Mini Sparkle from your home or school today?
Captain Conflict: (no response)
Anna: I'll be there in 15 mins.
Captain Conflict: 👍
Tuesday, 8:12 AM
Captain Conflict: She’s in school.
Anna: Inside school? Outside?
Captain Conflict: In class. Awaiting your pick-up.
Anna: Now? Or at 3?
Clarity would be AMAZING in a co-parenting situation.
Captain Conflict: Not sure what I have to do with all of that.
👀
12:22 PM
Anna: Does she have a sandwich? And fruit?
Captain Conflict: Of course.
Also, I told her you’d pick her up this morning. Because that’s what you said. Probably. Maybe. I don’t know.
Anna: Did you think that you should have let me know that, you dropped her at school, gave her a packed lunch and now claim I should have know you told her I was coming in the morning?
Captain Conflict: 👀
4:30 PM
Anna: I’ll be by tomorrow before school to collect:
Her safe blankie
The purple summer shoes
The correct baby doll – the one with the luxurious hair, not the bootleg twin
Also, please provide my mail. You said it would be in her bag.
And confirm you’ve read this.
Captain Conflict: You’ve received all your mail. Including the court summons I was hoping you’d miss.
Friday, 8:17 AM
Anna: What time can I call Mini Sparkle today?
Captain Conflict: You’ll see her in 4 days.
Anna: That wasn’t the question.
Tuesday, 3:59 PM
Anna: I’m here. Open the door.
Captain Conflict: Please first tell me I am the more incredible man in the world.
Anna: We’re not playing Escape Room: Divorce Edition. Open the door.
7:05 PM
Anna: Mini Sparkle said clearly she wants to talk to me again tonight. Can you call me back when her friend leaves?
Captain Conflict: Her friend was over. And I listened in on your call. She’s not saying what she really wants. She’s parent-pleasing. You’re manipulating her with your voice and your maternal aura.
Anna: So… no bedtime call?
Captain Conflict: She’s relieved when you hang up. I know because I observed her soul.
Monday, 7:30 AM
Anna: Just checking if you need me to bring anything for Mini Sparkle today. Maybe shorts for Sports Day?
Captain Conflict: I’ll no longer be forwarding your mail. Future items will be marked “Return to Sender.” Even the mail from Mini Sparkle’s dentist.
Final Entry: The Weekly Wisdom of Captain Conflict
"You may only call on Mondays at 5:04. But not if the moon is waning. Or if she’s tired from existing. Or if I say no."
Disclaimer for Mr. Fucker (aka Not You, Obviously):
This blog is a work of satire and emotional release. Any resemblance to real events, narcissists, multi -million dollar child education company owning alimony-dodgers, or men who think they invented parenting because they showed up to one school play… is purely coincidental.
If it’s not about you, don’t worry. You can’t sue me for things you claim never happened.
And if it is about you? Well, maybe actual reflect on that and stop pretending you do therapy.
