Sir Gaslight-a-Lot’s Journal — Vol. 5: “Lust, Lies & Little Blue Pills”

(Where ego takes the wheel, and sanity gets thrown out the window... again.)

Monday
Tried to convince myself I’m in love.
She bought a candle for my bathroom. I pretended to care.
Told her “you’re everything I’ve ever wanted” while wondering if that was too close to what I said to the last three.
Took a Viagra I didn’t need two years ago. Blamed “stress” and “her energy” for why I needed it.
She said she’s happy. I said “me too” while picturing my ex’s Instagram.
Note to self: Fake it till she cries.

Tuesday
Texted the ex a vague threat about “legal consequences.”
Felt powerful.
Told the new girlfriend I loved her.
Felt dead inside.
Looked at a photo of the ex and our daughter laughing.
Felt… something. Swallowed it. Blamed her.
Told my reflection I’m the real victim here.

Wednesday
Sent our daughter home with mismatched socks.
Called it “independence training.”
Told her mom “Your daughter didn’t ask for you once.”
Told our daughter “Mommy’s busy.”
Told the school “Mommy is mentally unwell.”
Told myself “I’m doing my best.”
The lies are easier when I say them out loud in the mirror.

Thursday
Had dinner with the girlfriend’s friends.
Lied about everything.
Said I co-parent well.
Said my ex is unstable.
Said I support women.
Choked on my wine halfway through but recovered with a Jordan Peterson quote.
She looked proud. I felt like I was performing surgery with a chainsaw.

Friday
Viagra again.
Still not attracted to her.
Still pretending.
Still checking if my ex watched my lasted podcast interview.
Still saying I’m “happy now” with the emotional tone of a wet rag.
Sent another threatening email about mail. That helped.

Saturday
My lawyer said, “Let’s not make it personal.”
So I filed a motion to control her housing.
Mailed it with a smile.
She can’t possibly think I still care.
I’m just destroying her for fun. That’s different.
Told the girlfriend I’m finally healing.
She cried. That means I’m still winning.

Sunday
Scrolled through old texts from my ex.
Told myself she manipulated me.
Conveniently skipped the ones where I begged her not to leave.
Posted a quote: “A real man walks away from toxicity.”
Captioned it “New chapter.”
Realized I don’t love my girlfriend.
Realized I just need someone to watch me pretend I’ve moved on.
Took a selfie smiling.
Felt hollow.
Still posted it.