From the Diary of Captain Conflict

How I Successfully Created the Need for Parallel Parenting

Many people misunderstand parallel parenting.

They think it exists to protect children from conflict.

Wrong.

It exists to protect me from hearing the word "no."

Let me explain.

The Dream

When my relationship ended, I had a vision.

A beautiful vision.

A world where:

• nobody questioned me

• nobody challenged me

• nobody asked follow-up questions

• nobody expected cooperation

• nobody pointed out contradictions

A world where I could make decisions from a safe distance and call it co-parenting.

This world is called:

Parallel Parenting

And I wanted it immediately.

The Problem

Unfortunately, professionals kept asking annoying questions like:

"What does the child need?"

This complicated things.

Because I had prepared extensively for questions about me.

My Strategy

At first I thought:

"If I create enough conflict, eventually everyone will agree we can't communicate."

This was genius.

If communication breaks down because of conflict...

And I create conflict...

Then eventually I get parallel parenting.

It's basically science.

The Travel Masterclass

For example:

Someone says:

"Can you sign this travel form?"

I say:

"No."

Then they ask again.

I say:

"Still no."

Then professionals get involved.

Then meetings happen.

Then reports get written.

Then lawyers appear.

Then everyone is exhausted.

At this point I proudly announce:

"See? We can't communicate."

The system works beautifully.

The Child's Needs

People keep mentioning the child.

I find this distracting.

The child appears to want:

• predictability

• flexibility

• cooperation

• communication

• access to both parents

These are very ambitious goals.

I prefer achievable objectives.

Such as winning.

The Curious Case of the Missing Child

One day I noticed something strange.

Every discussion eventually became about me.

Travel became about me.

Swimming became about me.

School became about me.

Phone calls became about me.

Ballet became about me.

This was comforting.

Because discussing the child's needs is unpredictable.

Discussing my grievances is much easier.

I know them by heart.

Why Cooperation Is Dangerous

Some people suggest:

"Maybe both parents should work together."

This is clearly madness.

Because if we start solving problems, eventually there won't be any problems left.

And if there are no problems left...

How will everyone know how difficult this is for me?

The Perfect Outcome

My ideal parenting arrangement is simple.

I make decisions.

Other people adapt.

Professionals admire my commitment.

The child remains flexible.

Reality remains cooperative.

Nobody asks questions.

Everyone respects my boundaries.

Especially the ones I invented yesterday.

An Unexpected Setback

Recently a professional asked:

"How does this benefit the child?"

I was completely unprepared.

Nobody had warned me there would be a quiz.

Final Thoughts

People assume parallel parenting is about reducing conflict.

That's amateur thinking.

For some people, parallel parenting is the reward they believe they receive after creating enough conflict.

It's like setting your own house on fire and then requesting a fireproof house.

And frankly, I think that's innovative.

Until next time,

Captain Conflict

Founder and CEO of Problems That Didn't Need To Exist™

P.S. The child would like everyone to stop arguing and attend ballet.

This recommendation has been rejected for being too practical.