From the Diary of Captain Conflict It's My Ex's Birthday, So Naturally I Don't Give a Shit

Dear Diary,

Today is my ex's birthday.

I had completely forgotten.

Which is why I woke up at 5:58 AM knowing exactly what date it was.

Coincidence.

I know loads of dates.

Christmas.

My birthday.

Tax deadlines.

The Battle of Hastings.

My ex's birthday.

I'm basically a historian.

Anyway, I don't care.

I haven't cared for years.

I've cleared my schedule.

7:03 AM - Not Thinking About Her

Woke up.

Didn't think about her.

Then remembered it was her birthday.

Still didn't think about her.

I merely wondered:

Is she awake?

Is she happy?

Has anyone messaged her?

Has someone bought her something?

Is she going somewhere?

Is there cake?

Who's at the cake?

Completely normal thoughts about someone you no longer care about.

I hope she's having a miserable day.

Obviously.

She doesn't deserve happiness since I told everyone she left me for no reason.

7:47 AM - An Urgent Parenting Matter Has Miraculously Appeared

Interesting.

Of all the days in the calendar, an urgent co-parenting issue has arisen today.

What are the chances?

Probably one in 365.

So really, this is mathematics.

Possible emergencies include:

• a scheduling technicality

• something she allegedly didn't answer

• a concern about communication

• an activity that has existed for six months but has become urgent this morning

• $14.72 that requires immediate forensic accounting

Nothing vindictive.

This is parenting.

Children famously need administrative conflict to thrive.

8:32 AM - Should I Email Her?

Absolutely not.

Too obvious.

I'm not an idiot.

I'll send a completely neutral administrative email instead.

Something warm and human like:

"For the avoidance of doubt..."

Perfect.

Nothing says Happy Birthday quite like receiving correspondence that sounds as though you've accidentally acquired a commercial property dispute.

Maybe CC someone.

Not aggressively.

Transparently.

CPS perhaps.

My lawyer.

Her lawyer.

NASA.

Anyone with an email address and insufficient problems of their own.

9:15 AM - I Have Moved On

I want this recorded clearly:

I HAVE MOVED ON.

Completely.

Which is why I am currently wondering:

• where she is

• who she's with

• whether she's celebrating

• what she's wearing

• whether anyone bought her flowers

• whether she looks happy

• whether she's posted anything

• whether someone else posted anything

• whether she's seen my email

This is emotional detachment.

Google it.

Actually don't.

Google may have follow-up questions.

10:40 AM - The Child Has Made an Inappropriate Request

Our child wants to wish Mom happy birthday.

Jesus Christ.

Children have absolutely no sense of timing.

Obviously, I support their relationship.

Enormously.

Possibly more than anyone has ever supported anything.

In principle.

Unfortunately, implementation requires proper governance.

Before allowing a 90-second phone call, we may need:

• an assessment

• consultation

• scheduling

• clarification

• safeguarding

• a communications protocol

• a risk analysis

• two lawyers

• CPS

• seventeen emails

• and perhaps an independent inquiry

Regrettably, birthdays only last 24 hours.

Bureaucracy is bureaucracy.

Nothing I can do.

11:56 AM - CPS Should Probably Know Something

I've suddenly remembered something concerning about my ex.

Very concerning.

I've been concerned about it since approximately 11:45.

Should CPS know?

Obviously I don't want to burden professionals.

I simply believe every passing thought I have about my ex should be preserved in government records.

For the child.

Perhaps I'll write:

"I remain deeply concerned."

That's good.

Never specify too early.

"Deeply concerned" gives everyone room to imagine their own disaster.

Very efficient.

12:34 PM - Quick Social Media Check

I do not stalk my ex online.

That's ridiculous.

I simply occasionally check publicly available information for safeguarding purposes. Especially the wayback machine...

Eleven times before lunch is not excessive.

It's due diligence.

No birthday post yet.

Interesting.

Not interesting to me.

Obviously.

Refresh.

1:10 PM - She's Having Lunch

Apparently she's having lunch.

I discovered this accidentally while conducting my twelfth safeguarding refresh.

She appears to be enjoying herself.

I do think smiling that much after everything she's claimed to have been through raises legitimate credibility questions.

Should CPS see this.

No.

Don't be ridiculous.

Screenshot.

1:14 PM - Send

Time for the email.

I have selected the ideal moment.

Pure coincidence that it is lunchtime.

Subject: Outstanding Matters Requiring Immediate Clarification

Sent.

Beautiful.

It's not a birthday gift.

It's parenting.

Although unlike most gifts, this one comes with a deadline.

2:23 PM - Why Hasn't She Responded?

Seventy-three minutes.

Nothing.

Absolutely unbelievable.

I send a completely reasonable email during her birthday lunch and she ignores me.

And people wonder why co-parenting is impossible.

Documenting.

2:31 PM - Evidence

Created folder:

COMMUNICATION FAILURES

Added today's email.

This is now evidence that she doesn't communicate.

Some people might argue that normal adults don't spend their birthdays responding to administrative disputes.

Those people clearly don't understand high-conflict co-parenting.

Unlike me.

A low-conflict person.

With a folder called COMMUNICATION FAILURES.

3:02 PM - Still Nothing

Nearly two hours.

She's doing this deliberately.

On her birthday.

Honestly, the lengths this woman will go to just to enjoy herself are astonishing.

This feels targeted.

Calling Ilka.

3:17 PM - Ilka Continues to Disappoint Me

I explained the emergency.

Ilka asked:

"Does this actually need dealing with today?"

Sometimes I wonder whether law school has standards anymore.

I explained that her birthday had absolutely nothing to do with it.

There was a long silence.

Then Ilka said:

"Of course it doesn't."

Exactly.

Finally.

Someone gets it.

I could hear typing.

Presumably documenting my exceptional judgment.

Possibly Googling early retirement.

Hard to tell.

4:45 PM - The Birthday Present

I briefly considered buying my ex a present.

Obviously not.

But hypothetically.

What do you buy the woman who has everything?

Easy.

A fourteen-page PDF.

OUTSTANDING PARENTING MATTERS - FINAL - FINAL2 - URGENT.pdf

Thoughtful.

Personal.

No returns.

Perhaps attach seven screenshots from 2024.

Sentimental value.

5:26 PM - Another Safeguarding Check

She is still out.

Still smiling.

There appears to be wine.

Interesting.

Could this affect parenting?

Probably.

Everything affects parenting if you stare at it long enough.

Screenshot.

6:30 PM - She Appears to Be Having A Good Time

This is becoming weird.

After everything that's happened, she continues:

• working

• studying

• seeing friends

• laughing

• travelling

• making plans

• having birthdays

It's almost as though her life continued.

Frankly, that seems disrespectful.

I've spent years explaining to professionals how impossible she is.

The least she could do is look fucking miserable.

Otherwise, what was all that paperwork for?

7:11 PM - She Still Hasn't Responded

Six hours.

Nothing.

This proves she refuses to communicate.

Admittedly, she may be at dinner.

But I have specifically asked for clarification regarding a scheduling matter occurring three weeks from now.

What could possibly be more important?

Cake?

8:12 PM - Thirteen Hours of Not Caring

I have now spent thirteen hours not caring about my ex's birthday.

I am exhausted.

Emotional detachment is much more labour-intensive than people realise.

I've checked social media fourteen times, emailed her, contacted my lawyer, considered CPS, documented her non-response and wondered repeatedly whether she's happy.

That's basically indifference.

9:06 PM - Perhaps She's With Someone

Hadn't considered this.

Don't care.

Who?

Don't care.

How long?

Don't care.

Has the child met him?

Don't care.

Does he live nearby?

Don't care.

What's his surname?

Completely irrelevant.

I'll investigate tomorrow.

For safeguarding.

10:43 PM - Final Reflection

People misunderstand me.

I don't want to ruin my ex's birthday.

That's ridiculous.

Petty.

Immature.

I simply believe that if she experiences peace, happiness or approximately four consecutive hours in which I do not feature prominently, an urgent administrative event should naturally occur.

It's about parenting.

Obviously.

Everything is about parenting.

Emails are parenting.

Complaints are parenting.

Screenshots are parenting.

Lawyers are parenting.

Refreshing Instagram while whispering "I don't care" is practically attachment theory.

Anyway.

Happy birthday to...

Actually, fuck it.

Never mind.

I don't care.

I have moved on.

Completely.

Tomorrow I'll return to my normal routine of barely thinking about her.

Six hours maximum.

Maybe seven if she doesn't reply.

Until tomorrow,

Captain Conflict

Emotionally Detached Since Approximately Never
Founder & CEO, I Don't Care About You Incorporated
Director of Unsolicited Birthday Administration
Three-Time Winner of an Award I Gave Myself

P.S. She still hasn't replied.

P.P.S. Nine hours now.

P.P.P.S. Just checked again.

P.P.P.P.S. She appears to still be enjoying herself.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Unbelievable.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I AM ABSOLUTELY FINE.