From the Diary of Ilka

Gucci Lipstick, Child Support & Other Acts of Heroism

Dear Diary,

Today I put on my Gucci lipstick.

Not because I needed it.

Because sometimes, when you are about to submit another document explaining why a wealthy man paying $250 a month for his child is evidence of responsible fatherhood, you need a little luxury.

Shade: Plausible Deniability No. 47.

Very flattering.

Today's Assignment: Make Captain Conflict Look Generous

This is becoming increasingly creative.

Captain Conflict would like the court to understand that he pays.

And technically, this is true.

There are payments.

We have exhibits.

There are numbers.

Some even contain dollar signs.

$250 child support.

Swimming lessons.

After-school care.

A voluntary school contribution.

Ladies and gentlemen, please remain seated.

A father has purchased things for his child.

I repeat:

A father.

Has purchased.

Things.

For his own child.

I understand this is emotional.

Meanwhile, Over at Mother's House...

The mother says she is facing financial insecurity and cannot meet the judgment against her.

This is unfortunate.

Captain Conflict's position is essentially that she should earn more money.

Simple.

Why didn't poor people think of this?

Apparently she should study, work, care for the child, deal with litigation, answer CPS, manage school issues and become financially independent simultaneously, with no family or support and all while not in her home country..

Preferably before lunch.

I suggested we include:

"Have you considered simply becoming wealthier?"

Apparently this is not accepted legal terminology.

Cowards.

The Housing Situation

There is also the awkward little matter of housing and financial security.

But Captain Conflict has assured me that everything is reasonable.

And if there is one thing I have learned in family law, it is that when a man repeatedly says something is reasonable, nobody should examine the surrounding circumstances too closely.

Especially not while I'm wearing Gucci.

The lipstick cannot survive that level of scrutiny.

Father of the Century Update

Captain Conflict continues his campaign for Father of the Century.

Today's evidence includes:

He pays $250 per month.

I have prepared the medal.

Tomorrow we will nominate him for the Nobel Prize for Purchasing Swimming Lessons.

By Wednesday, perhaps a statue.

The Parenting Case

Captain Conflict also wants the court to understand that he is deeply committed to parenting.

This requires considerably more paperwork than parenting apparently does.

We have filed documents about:

• custody

• holidays

• swimming

• telephone calls

• school

• clothing

• travel

• communication

At this stage the child's childhood has been converted into a filing cabinet.

She may eventually need permission from both parents to develop a personality.

But Ilka, Doesn't This Bother You?

Absolutely not.

I am a professional.

My job is not to ask:

"Would I personally tolerate this man for eleven consecutive minutes?"

My job is to represent him.

These are completely different standards.

This distinction became particularly important recently because...

Captain Conflict Is Single Again

Oh.

How terribly unexpected.

Diary, I was devastated.

Another relationship has apparently failed to appreciate the full Captain Conflict Experience™.

And naturally the thought crossed my mind:

Should I introduce him to my sister?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

No.

I love my sister.

Imagine the Introduction

"Darling, I've met someone PERFECT for you."

"Really?"

"Yes. He's intelligent, successful and extremely committed to boundaries."

"That sounds promising."

"His boundaries."

"Oh."

"He also has strong opinions about communication."

"Great."

"Mostly yours."

"Ilka..."

"And if the relationship ends, there's a reasonable chance you'll spend several years discussing swimming lessons through lawyers."

"ILKA."

"Would Thursday work?"......

Absolutely Fucking Not!

There are professional obligations.

And then there is sending your own sister into the Hunger Games.

I may advocate for Captain Conflict.

I may write beautifully formatted letters explaining Captain Conflict.

I may apply Gucci lipstick before defending Captain Conflict.

But matchmaking?

There are limits to professional loyalty.

I have boundaries.

Real ones.

Captain Conflict will probably need them explained seventeen times.

The Great Difference Between "My Client" and "My Brother-in-Law"

"My client" goes home after the hearing.

"My brother-in-law" comes to Christmas.

This is why civilisation invented professional boundaries.

I can defend a man's legal position without wanting him anywhere near the potato salad.

Today's Existential Crisis

Sometimes I look at the paperwork and wonder:

If Captain Conflict is genuinely as reasonable, cooperative and delightful as our filings suggest...

why does absolutely everything require a filing?

Travel.

Swimming.

Phone calls.

School.

Clothes.

Money.

Holidays.

Everything.

Perhaps this family is simply extraordinarily passionate about administrative law.

Yes.

That must be it.

Lipstick.

More lipstick.

Tomorrow's Tasks

9:00 - Explain that $250 is money.

10:00 - Transform ordinary child expenses into acts of extraordinary paternal generosity.

11:00 - Argue that Mother should become financially self-sufficient immediately.

12:00 - Lunch.

13:00 - Defend another conflict that could potentially have been resolved with one email.

15:00 - Remind myself that I bill by the hour.

15:01 - Feel considerably better.

Until tomorrow,

Ilka

Attorney-at-Law
Gucci Lipstick Enthusiast
Professional Translator of "I Won't" Into "My Client Has Concerns"

P.S. My sister remains unavailable.

P.P.S. She doesn't know Captain Conflict.

I intend to keep it that way.