From the Journal of Ilka

Day 697 of Representing Captain Conflict

Dear Diary,

Today I opened my inbox and immediately closed it again.

Self-care.

After a brief meditation and three coffees, I reopened it and discovered seventeen new emails about a matter that could have been solved in approximately twelve seconds by signing a document.

Unfortunately, my client remains committed to his personal philosophy:

"Agreement is important.

Actual agreement is negotiable."

The Travel Situation

Captain Conflict would like the record to show that he fully supports travel.

This is why he has spent several months not approving travel.

I once asked him to explain this position.

He sent me seven paragraphs.

I emerged with less understanding than when I started.

The New Strategy

Recently, Captain Conflict has embraced a powerful legal approach known as:

The Schrödinger's Agreement™

He simultaneously:

• agrees

• disagrees

• supports

• opposes

• approves

• refuses

The exact position only becomes visible when observed in court.

The Discovery of Boundaries

A major breakthrough occurred this week.

Captain Conflict informed CPS that the primary reason his relationship failed was because he wasn't clear enough about his boundaries.

Remarkable.

Because I distinctly remember years of correspondence explaining that the other person's boundaries were:

• unclear

• irrational

• poorly communicated

• invalid

• not real boundaries

Apparently we have entered a new scientific era.

One where boundaries become valid the moment they belong to him.

I believe physicists are studying this phenomenon.

The Evidence Problem

The difficulty with representing Captain Conflict is that every story arrives with a sequel.

And every sequel arrives with screenshots.

I spend much of my professional life hearing:

"Actually, I have the email."

At this point, those six words increase my heart rate more than tax audits.

School Disputes

We have discussed schools.

We have discussed schools discussing schools.

We have discussed emails about schools.

We have discussed responses to emails about schools.

I am now qualified to teach a postgraduate course called:

Advanced Conflict Through Administrative Processes

Swimming Lessons

I would also like to apologise to swimming.

Swimming never asked to be involved.

Swimming had dreams.

Swimming wanted to be a recreational activity.

Instead, swimming became evidence.

The Curious Case of Father of the Century

One of my favourite developments has been the ongoing campaign for the title:

Father of the Century™

This has required some careful narrative management.

The challenge is that history contains years.

Years contain facts.

Facts can be inconvenient.

Fortunately, confidence remains renewable.

Therapy Language

Captain Conflict has now mastered the following phrases:

• emotional safety

• co-regulation

• attachment

• trauma-informed

• nervous system

• boundaries

These words appear in almost every email.

Usually in alphabetical order.

Occasionally in sentences.

My Growing Concern

Not for the child.

Not for the proceedings.

For the trees.

The amount of paperwork generated by this case has become environmentally irresponsible.

Somewhere, an entire forest has sacrificed itself so two adults can debate wording for the seventeenth consecutive month.

Professional Growth

People often ask:

"Ilka, what have you learned from this case?"

Excellent question.

I have learned:

• Screenshots are forever.

• Travel should not require litigation.

• Swimming lessons should not require litigation.

• School decisions should not require litigation.

• Boundaries should not require litigation.

And yet here we are.

Final Thoughts

I once believed family law was about helping families.

Now I spend my days arguing over documents that could have been signed faster than this email was written.

Tomorrow I have another hearing.

I have packed:

• my laptop

• my notes

• my legal arguments

• three emergency chocolate bars

One for me.

Two for reality.

Yours faithfully,

Ilka

Senior Partner,
Department of Explaining the Obvious to Difficult People