From the Minutes of Captain Conflict's Weekly Strategy Meeting

Agenda Item #1: We Must Not Let Her Win

Present:

• Captain Conflict

• His Ego

• His Pride

• Three Therapy Buzzwords

• One Travel Form

Absent:

• Logic

Opening Remarks

Captain Conflict opened the meeting by reminding everyone of the mission:

"Whatever happens, she must not get what she wants."

A travel form then raised its hand and asked:

"What if what she wants is simply to travel during her parenting time?"

The travel form was removed from the meeting for being divisive.

The Travel Crisis

A committee was formed to investigate whether School Holiday Travel should be allowed.

After six months of discussion, the committee concluded:

"The trip itself is not the issue."

A second committee was formed.

This committee concluded:

"Travel is not the issue."

A third committee was formed.

After extensive review, it discovered:

"The real issue is that she asked."

The committee received a standing ovation.

The London Emergency

Captain Conflict was then briefed on London.

Questions raised included:

• Is London dangerous?

• Is London safe?

• Is London even real?

• Does London benefit the mother in any way?

After careful consideration, the answer to the final question appeared to be yes.

The matter was immediately escalated.

The CPS Problem

The CPS team recently proposed a solution to the travel conflict.

This was deeply concerning.

Captain Conflict explained:

"If solutions keep solving the problems, eventually we may run out of problems."

Nobody liked where this conversation was heading.

Swimming Lessons

Swimming was discussed.

Again.

The swimming instructor reportedly believes the objective is to teach children how to swim.

This misunderstanding has not yet been corrected.

Captain Conflict clarified that swimming is actually a strategic battleground in an ongoing ideological war.

The instructor remains unaware.

Ballet

Ballet was briefly reviewed.

The committee confirmed that ballet itself has done nothing wrong.

However, the possibility that someone else may enjoy ballet remains under investigation.

The Child

At this point someone asked:

"What does the child want?"

The room fell silent.

Minutes later Captain Conflict replied:

"That sounds dangerously close to a practical solution."

The matter was tabled indefinitely.

Competitive Co-Parenting

The meeting then moved to scorekeeping.

Current scoreboard:

Event Result

Problem solved 0

Arguments continued 74

Emails exchanged. 3,921

Professionals confused Countless

Captain Conflict feeling victorious Ongoing

The board was pleased with progress.

The Core Philosophy

Captain Conflict reminded attendees that outsiders often misunderstand the situation.

They assume the goal is:

• peace

• cooperation

• efficiency

• stability

• happiness

This is incorrect.

The goal is:

Not losing.

Even if victory costs:

• more money

• more time

• more stress

• more conflict

• more paperwork than the average tax authority generates annually

Closing Statement

As the meeting concluded, Pride asked an important question:

"What happens if she gets exactly what she was always legally entitled to?"

Captain Conflict stared into the distance.

Nobody spoke.

A nervous silence filled the room.

Finally he whispered:

"Then what was all this for?"

The meeting adjourned immediately.

Next Week's Agenda

1. Revisit a problem that was already solved.

2. Reject a solution to a problem nobody wants.

3. Explain why compromise is unreasonable.

4. Create three new disputes from a scheduling email.

5. Accidentally prove her point.

Meeting closed.

Until next conflict.