From the Desk of The Honorable Judge Common Sense

Subject: Happy Birthday, Captain Conflict

Dear Captain Conflict,

I hear it was your birthday the other day. 🎉 On behalf of the entire court, allow me to extend my most sincere congratulations — not for surviving another year, but for setting the world record in “Most Baseless Allegations Filed Before Cake Was Served.”

I must say, your consistency is admirable:

• Year after year, you show up with new accusations, still lacking the small-but-important thing called evidence.

• Your commitment to the “Hammer Attack” saga is… fascinating. Four times in writing, zero proof. You are nothing if not loyal — to your own fiction.

• You continue to act as though laws are simply polite suggestions that apply to everyone else.

On your special day, I hope you took a moment to reflect. Not on your accomplishments, of course — there aren’t many of those in the “winning in court” department — but on your ability to somehow keep a straight face while saying things I can only classify as “creative writing.”

Your birthday gift from me?
A friendly reminder that court isn’t Facebook, the witness stand isn’t your personal stage, and I’ve read everything. Yes, even the parts you wish I hadn’t.

So here’s to you, Captain Conflict — may your next trip around the sun bring you wisdom, humility, and maybe, just maybe… a single piece of credible evidence.

Sincerely,
The Judge Who Has Heard It All and Still Can’t Believe You Said That

P.S. I’ve asked the bailiff to get you candles that spell out “BURDEN OF PROOF.” Blow them out and make a wish. You’ll need it.