Ilka’s Internal Monologue During Mediation
(Observed silently, billed loudly)
Ah.
We’re sitting down.
This is always the moment they believe something meaningful is about to happen.
It isn’t.
Minute 1
Smile. Nod. Pen poised.
The mediator is explaining “ground rules.”
Everyone pretends not to know them already.
I know them.
I wrote half of them in another life.
My client is breathing too loudly.
That means he thinks he is being reasonable.
Minute 4
The mother speaks.
She is calm.
This annoys him.
I can tell because his leg is doing that thing — the one that says “I am being wronged in a way that is difficult to articulate without incriminating myself.”
I adjust my chair slightly.
This is advocacy.
Minute 7
My client begins a sentence with:
“I’m not trying to control anything, but—”
Ah yes.
The but.
The but that has never once led to freedom.
I make a note:
DO NOT INTERRUPT — LET HIM CONTINUE.
Minute 10
He is now explaining why delaying a decision is actually cooperation.
Fascinating.
I have heard this theory before, usually from men who think clocks are negotiable.
The mediator is nodding too much.
That is not a good sign.
Minute 13
We have reached the word “alignment.”
No one knows what it means anymore, but it makes everyone feel briefly educated.
I consider whether alignment could also describe:
Focus, Ilka.
Minute 17
The mother mentions:
routines
logistics
school
the child
My client shifts again.
Children are always inconvenient when facts are involved.
Minute 21
The mediator asks my client a direct question.
This is unfortunate.
He answers a different one.
I write another note:
GOOD — LET HIM DIG.
Minute 26
He references:
Translation:
I would like time to feel powerful again.
I sip water.
Still.
Still.
Minute 30
The mediator looks at me.
This is my cue to speak.
I say something neutral, elegant, and entirely meaningless.
Everyone relaxes.
I am very good at this.
Minute 34
My client interrupts the mother.
The mediator gently stops him.
He does not like this.
He believes authority is something that happens to him, not something that limits him.
I consider France.
Minute 38
The word “reasonable” appears again.
My client is not.
Minute 42
My client starts explaining his feelings.
This is never in his favor.
I glance at the clock and calculate:
castle roof tiles = 3.5 billable hours
We are getting closer.
Minute 47
The mediator asks whether he is willing to compromise.
He says:
“In principle, yes.”
In practice: no.
In reality: absolutely not.
In his mind: heroic restraint.
Minute 51
The mother says nothing.
This is… effective.
My client keeps talking.
This is… unfortunate.
Minute 55
I realize something important:
This mediation is not about agreement.
It is about exposure.
I sit very still.
Minute 60
Break announced.
Everyone stands.
My client looks at me, hopeful.
I give him the expression that says:
We will discuss this later.
What I mean is:
Please stop.
Closing Thought
Mediation is not about resolution.
It is about letting people hear themselves long enough to reveal who they are.
Some people bring solutions.
Some bring schedules.
Some bring spreadsheets.
And some bring themselves.
I close my notebook.
This client has nearly topped up my daughter’s pony fund.
And he’s already asking for more legal action against his ex.
I feel a flicker of something that might be sympathy.
For her.
Then I remind myself that sympathy is not a billable activity.
My daughter will be delighted when I tell her the pony is coming sooner than expected.
Accelerated, one unnecessary motion at a time.
I must remember to buy myself a proper pair of Gucci riding boots to match her new outfit.
One cannot arrive at the stables looking underprepared.
#MommyDaughterFashion
#ConflictIsTemporary
#PoniesAreForever
