Ilka’s Private Journal - Part 1

(Leaked from the depths of her Hermès tote, nestled somewhere between a Montblanc pen and receipts for emotional damage)

Wednesday, 10:37am
Client: Captain Conflict™
Case: "The Ex Who Refuses to Stay Broke"
Status: He’s spiraling. Again.

Honestly, I became a lawyer to help people… not to listen to a middle-aged man spiral over WhatsApp receipts like they’re CIA intel.

Today he said—with a straight face—“She’s clearly manipulating the court with her feminine energy.”
I pretended to take notes.
What I was actually doing: mentally shopping for a Saint Laurent blazer and wondering if I could write off a meditation retreat.

Thursday, 3:20pm
Client called to ask if we could “subpoena her vibe.”
He also forwarded me a 7-minute voice note labeled “For evidence: how she makes me feel.”

I haven’t listened.
But I charged him for the download.

Friday, 1:11pm – Invoice Memo to Self

• Hourly rate: Standard

• Gaslighting surcharge: +20%

• Bonus billing if he uses the word “narcissist” out of context again: +$50

• Emotional resilience tax: +$75

• Note-to-self: Charge double for the gaslighting, triple if he quotes Jordan Peterson again.

Saturday, 6:06pm – Martini-fueled reflection:
This man once asked if he could sue his ex for “emotional theft.”
He meant… her happiness.

If he were a spreadsheet, he’d be titled: “Petty_23_Final_FINALv7(REALthisTime).xlsx”

At this point, I’m not representing him.
I’m collecting enough material to write a memoir called “Billable Buffoons: My Life in Litigation & Luxury.”