Sir Gaslight-a-Lot’s Journal — Vol. 6: “Therapy Is for the Weak (Unless It’s Court-Ordered)”

Spoiler: I told the court I’m emotionally evolved because I once read a Brené Brown quote on Pinterest.

Monday
Started the week strong by ghosting my court-appointed therapist.
Said I had “an emergency.” The emergency? Brunch.
Told the mediator I’ve “done the work.” The work = journaling once, in 2019, after a TED Talk.
Texted my lawyer: “Let’s go for full custody.” Why? Because she looked happy on Instagram again.
Filed it under: Personal growth.

Tuesday
Read a blog post from my ex.
Pretended not to care.
Called my lawyer and asked if satire is illegal.
Then googled “can narcissists sue if they’re unmasked in metaphor?”
Told the new girlfriend it’s all lies.
She said, “But some of it sounds just like you.”
Gaslight response: “That’s exactly what she wants you to think.”

Wednesday
Therapy call rescheduled. Decided to show up.
Wore a cardigan to look soft.
Said things like “inner child,” “emotional regulation,” and “co-parenting vision board.”
Therapist asked about empathy.
I quoted a podcast.
He asked again.
I said, “I empathize… with myself.”
He took notes. I panicked.

Thursday
My daughter asked why I yell more lately.
Told her I’m “just passionate.”
Then got annoyed that she wanted to FaceTime her mom again.
Told her Mommy’s busy.
Daughter cried.
I said, “See? This is what Mommy causes.”
Posted a photo of me and daughter with the caption: “Fatherhood is everything.”
Zero irony. Total delusion.

Friday
Tried writing in a gratitude journal.
Gave up after listing 1) My boat, 2) My lawyer, and 3) My ability to cry on command in court.
Therapist said I deflect too much.
Said, “I only deflect when people are attacking me with facts.”
He looked concerned.
I said, “You’re taking her side.”
He sighed.
I called it a win.

Saturday
Girlfriend asked if I’ve truly moved on.
Said yes.
Immediately checked my ex's Instagram.
Saw she posted a meme about narcissists.
Blocked her, then unblocked her to see if she’d notice.
Called the lawyer again to say I’m being “emotionally harassed by vibes.”

Sunday
Wrote a poem about justice.
It rhymed “father” with “martyr.”
Felt misunderstood.
Blamed the judge.
Blamed society.
Blamed feminism.
Blamed a dream I had once.
Said, “Maybe I should be a therapist too.”
Took a selfie with my law books.
Captioned it: “Healed men don’t hurt — they litigate.”